BlameThePixel!

A man has been admitted to hospital with 16 toy horses shoved up his ass.
Doctors have described his condition as stable.

Grandma: Have you seen my special pills? They were labelled 'LSD'.
Grandson: No, but have you seen that fucking dragon in the kitchen?

How did Magic Johnson get HIV?
From jamming too many rings.

I was buying a large bag of Eukanuba dog food at the supermarket and standing in a queue at the checkout. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Eukanuba diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 22kg before I awoke in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that all you do is load your pockets with Eukanuba nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. And I told her that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that by now, practically everyone in the queue was enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in hospital in that condition because I'd been poisoned. I told her no... it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls when a car hit me. I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

A neutrino walks out of a bar.
The bartender says "we don't serve your type in here".

Zogger founded a strip club named The Shopper Scheme
Patrons weren't impressed with the low ratio of bazookas to mad cows & old women

It takes time, Bloopy. It takes time.

I used to have a red boat, but it got marooned.

Whitney Houston

What's six inches long but won't be getting sucked this Valentine's Day?
Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

I passed my hearing test with flying colours.
Don't laugh, I suffer from synaesthesia.

If John had 50 candy bars and ate 45, what does he have now?



...Diabetes. John has diabetes.

John also has 5 candy bars. 5 candy bars and diabetes. Awesome.

Simba was walking too slow, so I told him to Mufasa.


“I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.�

That’s the way Green County Sheriff’s deputy Marcus Horna describes it. The incident he refers to happened last wednesday on highway 311 near the Ghor Rd. intersection. Janice Behr was pulled over on the shoulder because her tire blew out. Behr called 911 for assistance and Deputy Horna responded to the call.

As he approached the vehicle, Deputy Horna was caught on dashcam footage violating a department policy. Footage shows him walk out of his car with a cigarette clearly dangling from his left hand. Behr, who works for a BP station, had just delivered some plastic cans of gasoline to a local hardware store because of a special trade arrangement the two businesses share. Unknown to Behr, some gas had splashed out onto her back seat. Dashcam footage then shows Deputy Horna, with total disregard for Behr’s vehicle, flick his cigarette into the back seat of her car.

“It seemed managable and this is my only car,� is the excuse Behr offers for trying to put the fire out instead of leaving the car. Footage shows her lean into the back seat and begin smacking at the flames while Deputy Horna looks on. After some seconds, flames can be seen moving to the front seat, where Behr’s right sleeve catches fire. She then runs out of the vehicle in a panic, waving her arm around like something out of a movie.

But what happens next is the most surprising. Footage shows Deputy Horna rush over to Behr, where he grabs her by the neck and throws her to the ground. Behr believed that Horna was trying to put her out, which he did, but only because he was handcuffing her. Incredibly, Behr can be heard on camera wailing in agonizing pain while Horna drags her up by the very arm that was burning and pulls her back to his patrol car.

When asked to defend his actions Deputy Horna repeated his earlier statement, “I saw someone breaking the law so I arrested them.� When pressed for further comment he added, “The woman leaped out the car with her arm on fire and was whirling about like a maniac so I cuffed her and charged her. It is against the law to do that, you can’t run around with your arm in flames, so I charged her.�

And what was the charge?

“Illegal use of a fire arm,� Horna says.

Your mom is so fat that even if Planck's constant was 1 Js, she still wouldn't be able to quantum tunnel through a potential of any significance.