BlameThePixel!

Vagrant and.



Can't have two past perfects in the same sentence.



Should be with.



anomally moved out of sight

Other than that, you've done it again. An excellent new chapter in the saga.

From now on, I knight thee my personal proof reader


WOuldnt that be vagrant was? Am I misunderstanding the meaning of vagrant?


"The sky was completly clear..." it is then.


I will add a not before without...for poetic reasons.


I knew it was something like that


And will continue to write as long as someone likes it

I'll just rewrite the sentence.

"It was icy cold and sparkling clean. After he could not drink another drop he replaced his mouth with his head."

One extra "and" and one extra "was", and sparklingly could be used, but it makes it unneccessarily wordy.

You havnt taken away any "and", just a was

But I will change sparkilingly as well, thanks.

Do you see the extra and that I took out now?

Oh
That was just a typo.

Next Chapter
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The Desert stretched for miles. Dune after dune rolled on for an endless cycle as the car sped along The Desert Highway to Mjrryata, a city on the edge of The Desert. Kyraan was in a bad mood today. The air conditioning that had kept him from dieing in the heat as he cruised along The Desert Highway was faltering and had now risen to minus 35 degrees celsius. He was late for his job but in the distance he could see the edge of the desert. On the horizon, strange shapes loomed in shadows, outlining the great city.

The invisible road gradually sloped downwards towards a perfectly visible beaten down track going across the last half a mile of desert. There were no dunes here and only a thin layer of sand covered the bare earth. Shrubs grew in unexpected places and boulders started to appear. A familiar buzzing noise threw Kyraan’s attention elsewhere. His heart whipped up to a familiar action rate as something huge and brown cascaded down from the sky, applying all its weight into bashing the vehicle as hard as possible. The roof bulged inwards smashing Kyraan around the head. He slammed down the brakes and skidded the car to a halt sending a cloud of dirt and sand into the air like a wave. Ramming the door open with more force than necessary, he tumbled out of the car into the desert heat and scrambled round to the boot. Opening it he took out a large box with a label reading “Beginner’s Pest Removal Kit� and laid it down on the ground. Flinging the lid open, he took out a double barrelled shot gun and sleekly slid in two large capsules into the barrels. Getting up he ran round to one side of the car, crouched down and waited with hunter’s ears. He looked down at his watch. This was all done in a matter of five seconds. Kyraan was annoyed; it was nowhere near as fast enough. Gritting his teeth, he peered around the edge of his car.

There was no movement on the other side.

Kyraan relaxed a little and turned around. A set of sliming teeth grinned at him, inches from his face.

“You little Sh-“ Kyraan exclaimed before dodging away from the hungry monstrosity. He hauled himself up on to the car and, from there, got a grip on the shotgun, unloading both cartridges into the monster. The thing writhed, screamed and keeled over onto the sand. Kyraan got down from his car and slung the shotgun into its box. Shoving this in the boot, he walked around to the driver’s seat and got in. Sighing, he tried to remember when a day hadn’t gone like this.

Just half mile. No a.


Take out that in.


First off, it would be around. Second, take it out anyway. Also, a comma after up.


Take out the as.

Mostly problems with extra small words. Other than that, you've made another great chapter.
Comeon people, show that you give a DAMN about this story! Or I'll drag you here and pry your eyes open whilst you read it.

I dont think theyre showing they give a damn about the story BECAUSE they dont give a damn about the story

People these days don't have appreciation for the fine art of reading lengthy stories. Honestly, I like sitting around and reading my 500 page books.

Theyll come when they feel like it...maybe

As for now, one hell of a cinfusing chapter. If it is too confusing then I will change it. However, it is actually the main inspiration of the story.
______________________________
Suddenly, out of nowhere, nothing happened.

Nothing exploded exploded out of the mountain like nothing ever seen before.

Nothing screamed a sound like a tune of nothing as it was flung into the air.

Nothing cascaded down to the sandy ground as if nothing could get in the way.

Nothing hurtled towards Tom.

The next water cube was still far ahead of him, he had checked its position when he was on the last dune. Tom longed for water as if nothing else mattered. Only three of four more dunes lay between him and ultimate bliss. He stopped suddenly. Tom hadn’t heard anything. However, this was precisely what worried him. Looking behind him, he saw nothing but empty desert. But the nothing was coming towards him at an alarming rate. It smashed into him at a speed of 0m/h and sped away up the next dune. Tom found himself lying sprawled in the sand. Nothing was harmed. Nothing had even happened. Getting up with an almighty puzzled brain, he trudged on again. A floating car he could just about deal with, but nothing was a different matter.

Well, that was certainly... surreal. It makes sense, but is confusing as all get out at the same time.
People MUST read this chapter. I've actually got another story that really messes with your head like this chapter does (not mine, something out of my literature book), but it's really long at takes forever to type...

Heh, if you liked that chapter then you should read some of Terry Pratchet's bokks if you havnt already

Just to let everyone whos been following my story (i.e. Glenn) that Im still writing, planning and have got wreally far...and to give the next chapter

The cube was exactly the same as the last one, the tap exactly the same shape with a handle fashioned into the popular star shape. The water was as cold and as refreshing as before. It dribbled down his neck and through his coarse, sandy hair.

Reluctantly turning the tap off, Tom sat back against the cool metal in the wilting heat of the shade. The sand was wet and gloopy around the tap but was drying fast. Steam rose off the metal of the huge cube from the droplets, sparkling like diamonds in the sun. He was content for now, and sat there for minutes on end.

Tom was suddenly aware of something else looming over him, as if a second shadow had covered his body. Looking up, he shouted out in shock and jumped away from the cube only to land flat on his face. Coughing up wet sand, he turned his sandy head towards the figure that had stared at him so intently for the past few minutes. She had a gormless frown on her extremely sunburnt face. Her eyes squinted at him from behind eyelids that looked like they hadn’t had any sleep. Her clothes were completely torn up. What once had been a dress was now less than a rag with strips dragging behind her. Her shirt wasn’t as bad. It was smeared in a dry; muddy coating that, when Tom looked closer, looked more like faeces. A rip across the shoulder of the shirt suggested it had snagged on something sharp. When her mouth moved, great ravines split across the dried skin of her lips.
“Who are you?� she asked simply in a very horse,

delicate voice. Tom’s mouth moved in a fashion that suggested he was attempting to answer without sound.

“You shouldn’t have come here.� The girl continued.

“I…bu…mmm� managed Tom.

“It’s…It’s…� the girl started before trembling violently. Tom stared at her, feeling a little spooked by the sudden appearance. Her small legs suddenly gave way and she collapsed against the cube and slid down only to smash her head over the pointy, metal tap. A second later Tom jumped to catch her, sprawled over the already unconscious body and hit the dry sand once again. A day of intense sun had got to him badly.

Well done! I'm too tired to really say anything else about it. There's some spelling errors in there though...